Hope, my consort, remain by me
Come what may - every calamity
Warmth in your comforting embrace
Assurance in your ever smiling face
Am scared by the darkness I find around
You chide that it is all in my mind
Your eyes speak, giving me confidence
My trembling heart, listens in reverence
Warily I look at the hovering clouds
You show me the silver lining around
Once again you have lent me your smile
And the will to walk that uphill mile
Walking life’s path - challenges replete
Wonder if I would have conceded defeat?
But with you my friend by my side
Through every hurdle to gently guide
Once again I gather all my might
And now I know, am going to fight
Today the going may not be so fine
Am sure tomorrow will be mine !
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Hasrat
Khoi himmat ko dhundti main
Khoj unhe dil mein sanjoti hoon
Aur phir zindagi ki agli hi mod pe
Unke tootay tukde batorti hoon
Her baar chand tukde kho jaatay hain
Meri umeendein thak ke so jaatein hain
Ab ainay se katarne lagi hoon main
Apne aks se bhi darne lagi hoon main
chehre ke lakeeron mein mayusi hai
Jis sir ko utha kal tak jeeti thi main
Aaj wahi haar ke bojh se jhuki hai
Apni hi sason se honay lagi hai ghutan
Tootay sapno ki anhon mein chupi chubhan
Kash ghadi bhar ko so jayen yeh ankhein
shayad unme phir naye sapnay jagein
Unhi sapno se main haunsla churaun
Dil mein nayi zindagi ki hasrat jagaun
Aasman se kuch taray tod laun
Monday, May 14, 2012
Catharsis
For the first time in years, the feel of water on Rikta’s skin was so soothing . The poisonous burning sensation that had lingered for years, gradually fading, giving way to a coolness. It was as if the water was washing off the feel of those dirt hands. Looking up in a silent thanks, she smiled with satisfaction - justice delayed, not denied. True, she had had to bear the albatross of trauma, disgust, guilt ....but the perpetrator was gone today. She felt strange that the news of a death in the family could return her - her life. She enjoyed the tingling sensation of the drops and came out of the bath a new person. Pulling a crisp white saree from the wardrobe, she pondered a moment upon the jewelry to best go with it. Later she stood admiring herself in the mirror , the pearl string complimented her creamy neck and the studs rested like milky droplets on her pink lobes. She had lost count of the years when she had last looked at herself in the mirror… she calculated , she had been eight then and not thirty three …twenty five long years her guilt had not let her look into her own eyes.
“Beta, thoda jaldi karo. We are already late”, that was the voice of her mother-in-law, “mammam” to her only son.
“Abhi aayi Ma” , she responded as she spared herself a final glance at the mirror .
Her mother in law looked at her curiously as Rikta walked towards the entrance. Maybe because she had never seen her beautiful daughter- in- law take so much pain on her appearance. She must be finding it strange thought Rikta and smiled in self satisfaction on her unusual choice of occasion. How would anybody know that it was a moment of celebration for her. Rikta’s thought went back to when she was eight years old and her paternal uncle and his family had come for winter vacation. With them came her “Kaku ‘too.
Kaku had voiced his decision of not getting married ever to his brothers and showered all his love on the kids of the family. No wonder he was their favorite uncle. With so many guests and the chilling cold of December, they fell short of beds. Happy to have her dear “Kaku” with her, Rikta was more than happy when he suggested she share his bed with him. She didn’t find anything amiss when kaku held her extra cold. Though she had her own bed, on weekends she was allowed to sleep with Papa and she really loved sleeping in his arms. Struggling to keep her eyes open and concentrate on Kaku’s story telling, she felt a little uneasy as his hands moved down. She tried pushing his big hand with both her tiny ones, but it was of no use. Sleep had left her eyes. Strange the way even little kids, unaware of the facts of life awaken to the need to escape when creepy hands grope. She tried to break free, but her strength was no comparison to that of Kaku’s. She had never imagined that simple fingers could give one so much pain. She tried screaming, but Kaku pressed his other hand tightly on her mouth to stifle her voice. Her silent tears were the only witness to her pain and humiliation. Next morning she tried telling her ma that she would not sleep with Kaku, but in the hurly burly of all the extra work that came with guests, her words went unheeded. She tried a few more times through the day but could not get her ma’s attention . Kaku’s constant eyes on her made things extra difficult . He behaved as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, while the pain in her legs and abdomen told her that it should not have been. She could not tell her tale of shame infront of everybody and then Kaku’s eyes told her to keep quiet.The same thing happened the next night too. This time she did not fight , she lay quietly absorbing the pain and letting it stream through the corners of her eyes. The tears also took away her spirits and she resigned herself to the ordeal for the next six days. The coldness of the wet pillow was an indicator of how cold these slimy nights would make her life.
“ Rikta , beta phal le lein” – her mother in laws voice drew her out of her thoughts.Getting out of the car, Rikta walked to the fruit shop and ordered for a basket of fresh fruits . Remembering how her Kaku used to bring her raisins before the ominous nights, she asked the fruit seller to prepare a hamper of dry fruits too. Her mother-in-law looked approvingly.
Her young aunt’s look of bereavement made Rikta’s heart sad for a moment. Yes, few years after that cursed visit, her uncle had agreed to marry and his loving brothers and their life partners had done their share by finding a suitable match for him – a young teenage girl from a needy family for their brother well into his mid thirties. Having lost their father at a young age, her brothers were more than happy to marry off their sister to the eligible bachelor. Then her eyes landed on the framed photograph of her Kaku – smiling at her .She remembered her mother once saying that one should not harbor any negative feelings for the dead. She tried remembering the context in which the words had been spoken, but nothing surfaced. She tried hard , but could not help feeling good that Kaku was dead . She sweetly smiled back at the photograph. God’s justice was done.
“Beta, thoda jaldi karo. We are already late”, that was the voice of her mother-in-law, “mammam” to her only son.
“Abhi aayi Ma” , she responded as she spared herself a final glance at the mirror .
Her mother in law looked at her curiously as Rikta walked towards the entrance. Maybe because she had never seen her beautiful daughter- in- law take so much pain on her appearance. She must be finding it strange thought Rikta and smiled in self satisfaction on her unusual choice of occasion. How would anybody know that it was a moment of celebration for her. Rikta’s thought went back to when she was eight years old and her paternal uncle and his family had come for winter vacation. With them came her “Kaku ‘too.
Kaku had voiced his decision of not getting married ever to his brothers and showered all his love on the kids of the family. No wonder he was their favorite uncle. With so many guests and the chilling cold of December, they fell short of beds. Happy to have her dear “Kaku” with her, Rikta was more than happy when he suggested she share his bed with him. She didn’t find anything amiss when kaku held her extra cold. Though she had her own bed, on weekends she was allowed to sleep with Papa and she really loved sleeping in his arms. Struggling to keep her eyes open and concentrate on Kaku’s story telling, she felt a little uneasy as his hands moved down. She tried pushing his big hand with both her tiny ones, but it was of no use. Sleep had left her eyes. Strange the way even little kids, unaware of the facts of life awaken to the need to escape when creepy hands grope. She tried to break free, but her strength was no comparison to that of Kaku’s. She had never imagined that simple fingers could give one so much pain. She tried screaming, but Kaku pressed his other hand tightly on her mouth to stifle her voice. Her silent tears were the only witness to her pain and humiliation. Next morning she tried telling her ma that she would not sleep with Kaku, but in the hurly burly of all the extra work that came with guests, her words went unheeded. She tried a few more times through the day but could not get her ma’s attention . Kaku’s constant eyes on her made things extra difficult . He behaved as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, while the pain in her legs and abdomen told her that it should not have been. She could not tell her tale of shame infront of everybody and then Kaku’s eyes told her to keep quiet.The same thing happened the next night too. This time she did not fight , she lay quietly absorbing the pain and letting it stream through the corners of her eyes. The tears also took away her spirits and she resigned herself to the ordeal for the next six days. The coldness of the wet pillow was an indicator of how cold these slimy nights would make her life.
“ Rikta , beta phal le lein” – her mother in laws voice drew her out of her thoughts.Getting out of the car, Rikta walked to the fruit shop and ordered for a basket of fresh fruits . Remembering how her Kaku used to bring her raisins before the ominous nights, she asked the fruit seller to prepare a hamper of dry fruits too. Her mother-in-law looked approvingly.
Her young aunt’s look of bereavement made Rikta’s heart sad for a moment. Yes, few years after that cursed visit, her uncle had agreed to marry and his loving brothers and their life partners had done their share by finding a suitable match for him – a young teenage girl from a needy family for their brother well into his mid thirties. Having lost their father at a young age, her brothers were more than happy to marry off their sister to the eligible bachelor. Then her eyes landed on the framed photograph of her Kaku – smiling at her .She remembered her mother once saying that one should not harbor any negative feelings for the dead. She tried remembering the context in which the words had been spoken, but nothing surfaced. She tried hard , but could not help feeling good that Kaku was dead . She sweetly smiled back at the photograph. God’s justice was done.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Falling Apart
They say that I look as if my world has fallen apart
Wonder if they can see pieces of my broken heart ?
The suddenness of things made the impact great
The heart that I loved so, how can I ever hate
Each morning I wonder how to go through the day
Echoing in my mind the lies I had heard him say
I shiver feeling that warm enlivening embrace
The serenading eyes and tender love on that face
How each word of his had been ambrosia to me
I wonder how he could not the love in me just see
My heart kindled on the touch of his glance
My shyness made me quickly look askance
The dreams that we shared looking at each other
I wish I could run from them and hide somewhere
Oh this pain of mine I find impossible to hide
Sleepless nights I behold my eyes remain wide
Opening my mouth I try to shout & scream
Suffocating me are broken pieces of my dream
It is searing me from the deepest within
While I pretend to be just the way I had been
Temptation , motivation , devotion to me was he
But fate had destined for me some other decree
I want to leave and move on, yet why can’t I go
The intenseness of my love he will never know
Tears welling down in silence I watch me cry
Wonder why can’t I simply say him goodbye
I hate myself and am unable to leave him behind
Someone tell me how to push him out of my mind
Tell me how I go about mending my broken heart
Someone help me stop my world from falling apart
Wonder if they can see pieces of my broken heart ?
The suddenness of things made the impact great
The heart that I loved so, how can I ever hate
Each morning I wonder how to go through the day
Echoing in my mind the lies I had heard him say
I shiver feeling that warm enlivening embrace
The serenading eyes and tender love on that face
How each word of his had been ambrosia to me
I wonder how he could not the love in me just see
My heart kindled on the touch of his glance
My shyness made me quickly look askance
The dreams that we shared looking at each other
I wish I could run from them and hide somewhere
Oh this pain of mine I find impossible to hide
Sleepless nights I behold my eyes remain wide
Opening my mouth I try to shout & scream
Suffocating me are broken pieces of my dream
It is searing me from the deepest within
While I pretend to be just the way I had been
Temptation , motivation , devotion to me was he
But fate had destined for me some other decree
I want to leave and move on, yet why can’t I go
The intenseness of my love he will never know
Tears welling down in silence I watch me cry
Wonder why can’t I simply say him goodbye
I hate myself and am unable to leave him behind
Someone tell me how to push him out of my mind
Tell me how I go about mending my broken heart
Someone help me stop my world from falling apart
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
She Beckons .....
The storm outside and within me yell
My child wants me her story to tell
A tale of how I was pushed through hell
Before they ruthlessly rung her death bell
The storm within me gradually peaks
Someone deep within screams and shrieks
Is that my child or her dead mother in me
I search deep within struggling to see
Looming dark sky reflects my gloom
Watching as my numb pain I exhume
I remember how she had been a part of me
Why couldn’t that way they just let us be
My pleas he pretended not to hear
She would be a burden – was his fear
That day I was not allowed to mourn
My bereavement I had silently borne
But today she knows her mom is free
To shed tears each night in her memory
Even in slumber I just dream of her
Her memories cloud with wondrous force
Along comes my lingering remorse
That day she was too weak to fight
Why hadn’t I fought with all my might
Suffocated by my pain - the sky pours out in rain
She smiles from the clouds - beckons again
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Rumination
Lost one of my kids -Atish, yesterday. The pain is intense.....the feeling of helplessness, loss,failure...frustration....and a lot of questions raising a storm within...
Why are you suddenly gone
Were you feeling so very lone
Was the path coarse and rough
Or just that the going got tough
Searing the pain must have been
Yet they say you appeared serene
Why one of us you did not seek
Or let your fears never speak
Were you angry with someone
Or found life bereft of all fun
Why were you in such haste
That you let life go in waste
What pushed you, we wonder
A question for us to ponder
Now all that we can ever do
Think of where we failed you
Why are you suddenly gone
Were you feeling so very lone
Was the path coarse and rough
Or just that the going got tough
Searing the pain must have been
Yet they say you appeared serene
Why one of us you did not seek
Or let your fears never speak
Were you angry with someone
Or found life bereft of all fun
Why were you in such haste
That you let life go in waste
What pushed you, we wonder
A question for us to ponder
Now all that we can ever do
Think of where we failed you
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Pukar
Ghabrayi si baichain aur pareshan hoon
Zindagi ki bojh se hairaan hoon
Phir tere paas janay ko dil chahta hain ma
Apne mamta ke anchal mein le tu chupa
Bachpan ki woh bhuli hui loriyan suna
Ek pal ke liye bhi jo de mujhe sula
Kitni thaki hui hoon chahun batana tujhe
Ke sun mujhe pyar se tu bahon mein le
Zindagi ki paheli ab nahi hai bujhti
Tufano mein ghiri hoon raah nahi sujhti
Andheron se yeh dil ghabrata hai
Anjana ashanka her pal satata hai
Badhaon ka kaisa hai yeh antheen silsila
Jeetungi main yeh tunay vaada tha kiya
Ma tujhe toe tab sab hota tha pata
Manzil taq kaise pahunchun ab sirf yeh bata
Thoda sa ab mujhko hausla dila
Haath tham phir agay badhna sikha
Kuch na ho toe phir se le kokh mein chupa
Zindagi ki bojh se hairaan hoon
Phir tere paas janay ko dil chahta hain ma
Apne mamta ke anchal mein le tu chupa
Bachpan ki woh bhuli hui loriyan suna
Ek pal ke liye bhi jo de mujhe sula
Kitni thaki hui hoon chahun batana tujhe
Ke sun mujhe pyar se tu bahon mein le
Zindagi ki paheli ab nahi hai bujhti
Tufano mein ghiri hoon raah nahi sujhti
Andheron se yeh dil ghabrata hai
Anjana ashanka her pal satata hai
Badhaon ka kaisa hai yeh antheen silsila
Jeetungi main yeh tunay vaada tha kiya
Ma tujhe toe tab sab hota tha pata
Manzil taq kaise pahunchun ab sirf yeh bata
Thoda sa ab mujhko hausla dila
Haath tham phir agay badhna sikha
Kuch na ho toe phir se le kokh mein chupa
Soch
Anjan sochon mein uljhi hoon main
Ya mujh mein uljhay mere yeh soch
Is jal mein na janay kaise ulajh gayi
Rang birangi reshmi sochon ki dor
Sochon ke khajane mein dhoonda
Milay koi tarqeeb ki pakdun koi chor
Achanak ek udta aya meri hi ore
Bina kiye pal jaaya usko pakad liya
Nikal na paaye , kaskar aise jakad liya
Khush hui bhatakte sochon ko suljha
Mano barsho ka khoya dhan ho pa liya
Per yeh toe thi mere sochon ki bhool
Ik baar chubhe toe kabhi na nikle
Yeh toh hai who soch ka shool
Dabay paon yeh naya soch aaya
Meri beeti mehnet kar gaya jaaya
Muskruta mujhe phir se bharmaya
Ab sochon mein uljhi main phir se
Ya sulajh gayi sochon mein ghir ke ?
Ya mujh mein uljhay mere yeh soch
Is jal mein na janay kaise ulajh gayi
Rang birangi reshmi sochon ki dor
Sochon ke khajane mein dhoonda
Milay koi tarqeeb ki pakdun koi chor
Achanak ek udta aya meri hi ore
Bina kiye pal jaaya usko pakad liya
Nikal na paaye , kaskar aise jakad liya
Khush hui bhatakte sochon ko suljha
Mano barsho ka khoya dhan ho pa liya
Per yeh toe thi mere sochon ki bhool
Ik baar chubhe toe kabhi na nikle
Yeh toh hai who soch ka shool
Dabay paon yeh naya soch aaya
Meri beeti mehnet kar gaya jaaya
Muskruta mujhe phir se bharmaya
Ab sochon mein uljhi main phir se
Ya sulajh gayi sochon mein ghir ke ?
Friday, February 24, 2012
Silent Cry
Words unsaid like debts unpaid
Silent onslaught of thoughts distraught
Cringing and cowering, seething disdain
Weeping within, suppressing the pain
Looking aside, trying to hide
The ochre deepening on my white
Wondering what his reason had been
It seems funny, but why can’t I find any
Was he aware of his deed sordid
For one animate would he have paid heed
Losing identity - can it be undone
Chewing on the betel, he saunters away
Does he even know what I am thinking
Steeped in dismay I remain watching
Vile in his deed, yet he walks tall
I remain the stained - once virgin wall
Silent onslaught of thoughts distraught
Cringing and cowering, seething disdain
Weeping within, suppressing the pain
Looking aside, trying to hide
The ochre deepening on my white
Wondering what his reason had been
It seems funny, but why can’t I find any
Was he aware of his deed sordid
For one animate would he have paid heed
Losing identity - can it be undone
Chewing on the betel, he saunters away
Does he even know what I am thinking
Steeped in dismay I remain watching
Vile in his deed, yet he walks tall
I remain the stained - once virgin wall
Monday, February 6, 2012
Writer's block
Words used to flow twenty to a dozen
But the storm saw all thoughts frozen
Some memories comes wandering
Through the past & present meandering
A solitary premature thought surfaces
Walks a few paces & just freezes
Another appears to come slowly gliding
The doors gradually seem to be sliding
My ears strained to the distant uproar
Waves of thoughts reaching ashore
Seeking release by breaking the dam
The words rejoice and create mayhem
Relieved, I watch the words flow again
Streaming from the deepest by-lanes
Within I reverberate with the shock
Glad that gone is the painful block
But the storm saw all thoughts frozen
Some memories comes wandering
Through the past & present meandering
A solitary premature thought surfaces
Walks a few paces & just freezes
Another appears to come slowly gliding
The doors gradually seem to be sliding
My ears strained to the distant uproar
Waves of thoughts reaching ashore
Seeking release by breaking the dam
The words rejoice and create mayhem
Relieved, I watch the words flow again
Streaming from the deepest by-lanes
Within I reverberate with the shock
Glad that gone is the painful block
Writer's block
Words used to flow twenty to a dozen
But the storm saw all thoughts frozen
Some memories comes wandering
Through the past & present meandering
A solitary premature thought surfaces
Walks a few paces & just freezes
Another appears to come slowly gliding
The doors gradually seem to be sliding
My ears strained to the distant uproar
Waves of thoughts reaching ashore
Seeking release by breaking the dam
The words rejoice and create mayhem
Relieved, I watch the words flow again
Streaming from the deepest by-lanes
Within I reverberate with the shock
Glad that gone is the painful block
But the storm saw all thoughts frozen
Some memories comes wandering
Through the past & present meandering
A solitary premature thought surfaces
Walks a few paces & just freezes
Another appears to come slowly gliding
The doors gradually seem to be sliding
My ears strained to the distant uproar
Waves of thoughts reaching ashore
Seeking release by breaking the dam
The words rejoice and create mayhem
Relieved, I watch the words flow again
Streaming from the deepest by-lanes
Within I reverberate with the shock
Glad that gone is the painful block
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Mending Life
Life takes it own deviations
Without any explanation
Diverging unknown directions
Helplessly I let myself flow
Wondering where did ‘I” go
Numbness takes over a while
Why am I turning so servile ?
The years crowd around me
Asking me if it indeed is ‘me’
Reminders of why I broke free
Shaking off the lethal reverie
I look fondly at life – it’s mine
Knowing it as no freak fortune
Changing life’s ways may be
Endless time life has whispered to me
You never need fear fate’s decree
Someone I remember had once said
What is allotted you just cannot blot
With a beguiling smile I had responded
Something else my heart had demanded
Life’s path I have chosen my way to bend
My marred life - I have dared to mend
I refuse to let it suffer the blues again
So I pick up own unique colorful brush -
To paint it with happiness & joy anew !
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